Revelation of the Weekend (Fall Retreat Weekend I mean... I am almost two weeks late.): I am selfish.
We had an acoustic worship set one night on retreat and my thought process was as follows...
"Yes! I am the only girl singing this set! (All the better to show off my skills of course.)" Then we get to practice and I find out we are sitting on chairs. "No! This is dumb. I don't want to sit, my thighs look fat when I sit and I am wearing shorts. Now I won't look cute up here." So we start Hosanna and Mike signals to me that I am leading it. "Perfect, I am totally going to rock this song! I get to sing the whole thing all by myself!" [insert train wreck here] "Dang it. I sound horrible and now I can't impress anyone with my voice. I can't believe I have to sing the rest of this song!" I continued to struggle with my voice through the next song too. Then I moped. " Well my heart is obviously in the wrong place. If I just make God my focus I will sound good and be happy. Perfect, now I just need to focus on God." Done. I sang like and angel and people were impressed with my skills. It was awesome!
Hardly. If that was the way it ended (the way I wanted it to end) the only thing I would learn is that worship is all about me. So I continue... "Ok, so if I am concerned with how I sound and I sound gross why am I up here?" [Insert revelation.] "I am selfish! The only reason I want my heart to change (to praising Jesus) is because I want to sound good. This is not a desire to praise God, this is a self-centered desire to sing better." So I thought of how blessed I am to be able to praise the Lord both on and off the stage. It made me realize what I was there for. My voice didn't sound any better to me but it no longer mattered what I sounded like. (It never matters.) I found my purpose in glorying God and I sang praises to Him instead of myself.
I wish this was a one time occurrence but unfortunately it isn't. This happens regularly as I lead worship with the band. I sing well? I praise myself. I sing horribly? I mope. And because he needs to the Lord points it out to me every time and brings my focus back to the one who matters. The one who deserves more praise that I can give him even on my best day!