Mustard Seeds

Mustard Seeds

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Honesty - Day One

When you wake up every couple of hours and can't fall asleep on account of anxiety and a feeling of panic, you know you have a problem. And this inability to sleep these past few nights really has me thinking. For starters, why am I waking up feeling anxious and what is my mind reacting to?

After one night of this, Monday was super stressful. Mondays are my busiest days this quarter and I went from 9am to 10pm but normally this wouldn't be as overwhelming as it was. There is something else behind all of this distress then just a busy schedule because, as my mom pointed out, this is nothing new for me. Different psychologists would have all sorts of explanations for my anxiousness but I am fairly certain of the reason I feel on edge. God is trying to get my attention.

He is sick of me ignoring him, taking him for granted, and pretending he is not as important in my life as he actually is. To express the extent of my complacency, I considered throwing in the towel on the whole "Christianity thing" a few weeks ago, thinking it would be easier. I wouldn't have to explain myself and my reasons for doing things to people, I wouldn't have to worry about God's plan (It could just be My plan), and I wouldn't have to worry about my walk with God because it wouldn't exist... But then I thought of what happened last time I walked away from God. It was not a very happy thing. In fact it was the opposite of what I have fooled myself into thinking it would be. Life without God was dark and lonely. This time would not be any different, just more stupid.

So God is trying to get my attention. Yet, I still feel just as unmotivated. I am thinking, "I'll get enough sleep eventually if I just try harder to be less anxious." But on the other hand I am hoping I do not sleep better tonight. Until I start spending more time with God then I do brushing my teeth, I need something to push me to him. Maybe feeling panicked most of the day will do that. Now for my half of the effort, I need to motivate my self to be disciplined to spend time with him and invest in our realtionship even if I don't feel like it.

We'll see (since I have to be honest with you about it tomorrow) how today goes.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing Steph...it sounds like God is working on you :)

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