Today, March 30th 2010, marks the start of a week of honesty for me on this blog. Pure, unfiltered, blatant, honesty. I often sit here and put on my "I am a good, happy Christian" face while covering up a lot of the struggles and holes I have in my walk with the Lord.
After 21 years of practice (minus the first 6 or so years of my life) I am pretty good at telling people that I am struggling with my walk with God while making it seem like I am not actually struggling. It is easy to say, "Yeah, I am having a hard time finding the time to be with God everyday but he is still really speaking to me." It is a lot harder to admit, "Actually he isn't showing me anything at all. And I wouldn't be able to hear him even if he was trying to talk to me because honestly, I haven't been listening."
So honest thought number one, I am struggling. Not struggling in the sense that I have a lot of hard things going on in my life. Struggling in the sense that I just don't care. I don't spend time with God (it has been weeks since I had a solid time alone with God and even that was a rarer occurrence) and I don't seek him on much of anything. I pray for a few minutes here and there but I mainly resort back to my lists and own strength. I live in my own little world, controlled by me and designed by me, and I like it. I am comfortable in it. Comfortable in my complacency.
More on how this complacency is manifesting itself in my life in the next post.