Mustard Seeds

Mustard Seeds

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I've Got This Under Control

I have pinpointed why it is so hard to give up the things I want when God tells me no. I actually understand now why I have a hard time surrendering my plans to Him and it sounds just as ridiculous as I expected it to sound. Are you ready for this? I have a hard time following God's better plan because.....

I think.

Somehow, I got the crazy idea in my head that if I think hard enough about my plans God can't fully say no to them. With sheer brain power I am going to make that relationship work, go to this place and do that, get my white picket fenced yard, and basically make God change his mind. I think that the second I forget about my ideas, God will too and then they are hopeless. If no one is holding on to them God can't possibly remember what I want. By relinquishing my life to His control I am limiting His options. His options! Like my plans ever had a chance of making me happy anyway! And like He is going to follow my plans (based on my severely limited perspective) even if I remind Him of them! I am brazenly challenging God's omnipotence with my thinking...

Dear God,
You obviously don't know enough to really see what is best for me so I am going to keep holding on to this idea of mine until you catch on that my idea is the option you wanted all along. Silly God. Let me help you figure my life because of course I know what I need and want better then you do. I can see my life from a bird's eye view and I totally know the future. So don't worry God. I have got this covered. You don't really mean to tell me no, or rely on Me, or trust Me because I have everything under control.
Love, Stephanie

I can almost hear the train wreck and feel the tears coming with these thoughts.

So what is the alternative? Acknowledging that my plans are based on temporal feelings and whims. Realizing that what I want shouldn't be based on what my flesh desires but they should be based on what pleases the Lord and what makes Him the center of my life. And seeing that fighting for these earthly things only leads to frustration and heartbreak as I separate myself from God.

I think a lot of things and most of them are based off of false assumptions that I am smarter then God. It's been a convicting but grace-filled week.

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