I would like to share what I journaled today, mainly because this is what I am struggling with right now and secondly because I have had a hard time opening up lately and sharing this with you all is one way to really do that.
"I've been struggling lately with my future. I feel like God is calling me to Haiti, to live full time as a missionary, in a few years. While this sounds adventurous and wonderful I am wrestling with the images I have always had of my future. It can be summed up with one thing: elementary school classrooms. Cute classrooms that smell of Elmer's glue and paper mache pretty much encapsulate everything I would miss if I went to Haiti.
I want a lot of things, material things, that I couldn't have in a third world country but the main thing is that I want to live the life my mom had. I want to be able to volunteer in my kids classrooms, covered in bright posters outlining the stages of a volcano with baskets for school supplies and hooks to hang backpacks on. In my spare time I want come into said classrooms and teach crafts to my kid's classmates or bring in cupcakes on their birthdays.
I want American life with a nice kitchen, air conditioning, hospitals, and Target. I want a comfortable income that I earn in a paycheck, not through other people supporting me. I want cute elementary school classrooms for my kids. But even as I think about those things I wonder if they would actually be what I want. I feel that living my ideal life would leave me restless and unsatisfied (even if I was following the Lord).
Maybe since God has burdened my heart for Haiti already, I can't go back to my old visions for life. Maybe since I have already established that I am much different than my mom, I can't live the same life as her and be content. Maybe the struggle I am having with all of this is because God wants me to be okay with giving up my ideas. He might not intend for to me to go to Haiti after all but rather just learn to trust Him. I have no idea what He has planned but I do know that right now He is asking: "Whatever your future, whatever I will ask you to do, I want you to be joyful to give it. I want you to be okay with not treasuring earthly possessions. I want to be the only thing that matters. Will you work towards that joy with me?"
My answer: "Yeah I guess so...?" It is hard for me to even be willing to start relying on God. =/ I know He can change my heart but I have to be okay with Him even doing that. So step one, be willing to change. Orevwa classrooms! You will be my ideal no longer!.... hopefully."